Sometimes I worry...

I feel like I look at people more now than I used to. Like when I am walking down the street, I look people in the eye when I pass them. I never used to do that but I have started recently and felt pretty good about it. Until I realized that I was suddenly accountable for saying hi to people I know. Like people from work. But I am terrible at recognizing people. Probably because I have spent most of my life avoiding eye contact with people and have never developed the skill. There are about 60 people in my office and I have regular contact with about 12 of them. Plus I am out of the office on the road about 60% of the time. The rest, I think they think I am a big snob. When I am in the office, I smile and say hi to everybody. When I am out of the office, on the streets, I walk fast (as I always do), make eye contact, and usually don't say hi or smile to anyone because I don't recognize anyone. But I have managed to make eye contact with people from my work (who I dont' recognize) and then ignore them and kept walking. Only to see them in my office building, minutes later. Arhghh. Maybe it was better to keep my eyes to the ground.

Now, I am paranoid when I am walking in the vicinity of my office. I smile at everyone. And if I don't, then the paranoia creeps in ("does that women in jogging pants that I just ignored work at my office?") and then I feel guilty.

I just want people to like me. No, not necessarily even like me. Just not hate me. I don't want people to think I am a big snob. When it isn't my fault. Maybe the fact that I still don't know everyone in my office yet actually MAKES me a big snob. I'm so confused.

It is really not the end of the world. I can only try my best, right?