Resolution

This whole 'holiday season' I have not really felt like any of it was authentic. I kind of felt like I was just going through the motions and having fun, but not really feeling "christmassy" or whatever. I usually feel this strange surges of nostalgia during this time of year. Not so, this year. And I felt a little cheated. Maybe I'm just getting older. Anyway, when it comes to New Years, my lack of caring about the holiday was actually beneficial, particularly because I usually hate New Years. This year I really didn't see it as a big deal. And so I had fun. It was very low-key with fondue & games, then a concert, then late-night Chinese food. The only really spectacular event of the evening was the streetcar ride home when a very obviously soiled crazy lady started harassing Mariza with a water bottle. Not the nicest way to end a night out. Poor Mariza.

I was trying to think of resolutions but was only able to come up with really dry things, like take french classes & go to two new countries. But then today I was sitting in the laundromat, waiting for my clothes to dry when I saw my horoscope. It read:

PISCES. You're not wearing a chastity belt right now, right? You don't have on shoes that are so tight that they constrict your sense of adventure? And please tell me you're not lugging around toxic beliefs about the impossibility of experiencing authentic joy in this "sick, twisted, miserable world we live in." But if by chance you HAVE victimized yourself with any of the debilitation's I just named - or any other form of self-torture for the matter - please take this opportunity to unburden yourself. The time has come for you to explore the mysteries of pleasure, happiness and outright euphoria. I hope that in 2007 you will fully exploit the new title I now anoint you with: Bliss Warrior.

Ok, that is just a strange horoscope in the first place, but it got me to thinking. It made me recall a conversation I had with K a few weeks ago, who admitted to regretting not coming to Ethiopia with me last year. Which made me reflect on my own regrets. I hate regrets. Worse than past regrets is seeing myself become more close minded about what I can and should do. And I see that happening to me lately. I have been caring far too much about what the people around me think. And it has been inhibiting my choices. No one is trying to stifle me, I am only stifling myself.

I think there are two things that I need to do this year. The first is to continue to take stock of how lucky I am every day. It helps me keep things in perspective and allows me to be less likely to take things for granted. I am lucky to have my life and I shouldn't forget it. The second thing is to be more active in pursuing happiness. This includes taking full advantage of my surroundings and all the free and low-cost activities and events I can take part in. I should be more friendly to acquaintances and strangers. It reminds me that the world is friendly when I can share a smile with random people.

I was telling someone about my cousin and saying how she is great and reminds me a bit of me in that she is crazy and fun and the person remarked that he hadn't seen my 'crazy' side yet. And it is because I haven't had one recently. I couldn't think of one thing that I have done lately that is 'crazy fun'. I don't know how I ever came to think of myself that way. And now I am afraid that I am not even really like that. But I want to be. So I have to figure that one out. And by crazy I don't mean the crazy drunk, or the mentally unstable one. :)

So my deep thoughts came a little later than they usually do, but it is good to take stock once in a while and try and figure out where you are and where you want to go next. Despite my usual disdain for New Years, I admit it is good for that purpose.

I hope you all have a happy New Year.