Cuban Cigars and Strip Clubs

Just spent a couple days in Windsor for work, my hotel room window looking across towards Detroit. Walking around the lovely downtown I notice an abundance of strip clubs (advertising lap dances - apparently these are illegal in the U.S.?) and every shop seems to also sell Cuban cigars. I grew up on a border town but we only had 2 strip clubs and no presence of cigars that I knew of. Or was I just blind to it all? Or is this just a recent phenomenon?

I am full of stress and a sore throat after a day of talking to people for 4.5 hours. I forgot how tiring that was. And how tiring travel was. I feel so emotionally whipped and fragile right now. There is so much on my mind. And my face hurts from smiling all day. Whaa... poor me. Smiling too much!

But it is stressful looking for a new roommate. Craigslist makes it easier but people are real idiots. So far, our most hopeful response is a girl that sounds just like our old roommate - right down to sharing the same first name and occupation as a yoga instructor. But we havne't met her yet... and our expectations might be a bit high!

The next 2 weeks are looking grim. Non stop stuff. Not much of it very exciting or non-work related (except for 2 hockey games!) And my iPod is broken. I think that is what has really shattered me. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. So aware of what is going on around me. It is all too much to handle.

Before Bed

I have gotten into this terrible habit lately. I have always been one to put off going to bed (even when tired). I think it is some sort of continuation from childhood when i would try to avoid bedtime. I love sleep. I love my bed. But when it comes to be about that time when I should be in my pajamas and turning out the light, I procrastinate. And lately the procrastination has taken the form of:

1) Lying on the floor in front of my space heater. So warm. So cozy. So classy.

After I have had enough of that and I am starting to get high from the fumes of the space heater, I roll myself up off the floor and move downstairs.

2) Standing in a hot shower for too long. So warm. So cozy. So scalding. So damaging to my skin.

But I really struggle to move from either spot to my bed, where it is just as warm, far more comfortable, and less potentially damaging to my skin or lungs or whatever. And yet it continues. Night after night.

Vanilla

This weather is a bit exhausting. The grey, gloomy cold. A fog has descended over my brain. I'm slow. It worries me because I have this interview coming up. For one of the schools I applied to. In 2 weeks I will head to New York to hopefully impress them with my witty banter, pointed questions and obvious intelligence. They will not only accept me on the spot, but they will offer to pay for the whole thing. I can't wait until that happens. The thing that scares me are the days like this where I am so out of it and unable to string together any semblance of a complete sentence. But I swear it is the weather and not any alcohol-related problem.

Yes, I went out last night. But I hardly drank. I had gone out for dinner right before, and gorged myself on monk fish, rapini, smoked salmon, grapefruit and greens, and vanilla creme brule for dessert. TOO MUCH FOOD. Made drinking the LAST thing I wanted to do. But it was a fun night without much alcohol. Seeing friends from undergrad who I hadn't seen in years and years. Music was fun. Very danceable. The only problem with the whole night was all the other people there. There were just too many of them. Pushing into us all night. Dancing on top of us. The worst was this one group of girls who decided to dance in 'our space' and all REEKED of vanilla. There must have been some sort of vanilla party before they came to the club. It was gross. Vanilla is a nice scent when it is subtle. But this was too much. Headache-inducing. Although they probably crowded over to our area because of our friend Jermaine. First of all, Jermaine is great because we share the same birthday (in a month!). But the real reason that he was the celebrity of the club last night was because he was wearing a classic Beverly Hills 90210 shirt. The girls could not get enough of him. "OH MY GOD! I LOVE YOUR SHIRT!" "CAN I TOUCH IT?!?!" It was hilarious. I don't think his girlfriend would have let him out loose on the town with that shirt on if she had realized the scene he caused. Even guys were stopping him to compliment him on it. Poor Chamoun, I think he felt a little overshadowed... and it was his birthday. :( Maybe next time Jermaine will let him wear the shirt so that he can feel the love.

Ok, two more gripes about clubs (just to really illustrate how I am old and crotchety and not suited to go to such venues as much as I used to be). 1) There was a 20 minute line up to get our coats from coat check. 2) There was a line up to LEAVE the building. Ok, complaining done. Time for a nap.

Music ADD

I have had a couple conversations about my music ADD lately. I see it as a direct result of iTunes and its presence in my life for the last 4 years. Shuffle mentality. It is very rare that I sit and listen to a whole cd anymore, or even listen to one artist. Instead I will just keep my iPod or iTunes on shuffle and skip songs that annoy me. While this is a good way to ensure that I get access to a variety of music, with over 3800 songs in my collection, I think that there are songs out there that have gone missing in action for months that I am missing out on. And there is something to be said for listening to a whole album from start to finish, particularly concept albums and those whose order has some flow or continuity to them.

I saw Pan's Labyrinth today. It was depressing and bleak and scary and horrifying and pretty great. It shook me up a little. I would recommend it, although I must warn you, it is not your run-of-the-mill film. It is part historical war drama, mixed in with strange fantastical fantasy elements. Parts of it just remind me of a nightmare. In a way it sort of hearkens to Spirited Away. But live action.

Here are five random shuffle songs that came up on my iPod (for a glimpse of what I'm randomly listening to right now):

Mama Told Me - Three Dog Night
Foolin' Myself - Billie Holiday & Lester Youn
No One's Leaving - Jane's Addiction
It's Too Late - Otis Redding
Trust - The Cure

Wow, nothing very recent. Ok, I just clicked to see another 10 random songs and still nothing newer than 1995 came up. I think I need to update my collection a little. I swear, I have newer music, I just have a LOT of older music. And yes, the term "older" includes anything before (and including) 1995. That was more than 10 years ago dammit!

Dionne Warwick

It is such a nice, cold, brisk, fresh day out today. So happy that I dragged my ass out of bed to the gym this morning then took my time coming back home; harassing Karen to grab some lunch, walking around and checking out the shops, and almost going to the art gallery to check out a photography exhibit (line ups too long). I just like being outside when it is sunny.

Last night for Michele's birthday we went for dinner at this place that also has psychics. So we all got our tarot cards read. It was pretty funny. Quite a few people had pretty accurate readings. Mine was not even close. NOT EVEN CLOSE!

So, I walk in, and the woman is all... "Wow, I have this really strong vibe ever since you walked in, and it is all about William or Bill. Who is William or Bill?" Me, being a little tipsy at this point, and really WANTING to believe she can tell me the future, am furtively searching my brain for someone I know named William or Bill. There are none. My 6th grade teacher was named Bill. That's about it.

"Ok, well, keep and eye out for William or Bill. But there is also a very strong A presence in your life. A blond man with an A name, like Aiden or Andrew - he has strong feelings for you". No, no A-men. Dammit, I am starting to have my doubts about her now.

It only gets worse...
"Your parents are divorced." No.
"Your sister is going to have a baby girl". I don't have a sister. And my brother is single.
"You are going to travel to Vancouver soon". Um, well, I was there 4 months ago, but I don't think I'll be back for a while... but who knows... that one might work.
"You will only be at your job for another year and a half" Well, actually, I'm not sure if I will even last that long... but ok, good to know.
"You need to stick your feet in the mud and feel the earth between your toes. Pray, but remember that praying isn't religious, it is spiritual, whether you pray to mother earth, Jesus, Buddha or whomever"
This last thing, she said to almost all of us. It is tough to be a psychic and give a reading to 12 girls in the same group... you must run out of things to say. All the girls who were there that were married were told they would have babies within the next year, all the girls who were single were told they would meet someone within the next year, all the girls who were in relationships were told they would be engaged within a year.

Anyway, it was fun regardless. But I started to feel bad for her. And I couldn't stop laughing because when I am in ridiculous situations like that all I can do is think about telling my friends about my experience and it always makes me laugh to imagine their reactions.

Maybe I'm just not readable. Or Prince William or Bill Clinton are going to enter my life and sweep me off my feet. Who really knows?

Dodging Bullets

I played my first game of Dodgeball tonight. I was a little bit nervous initially, mostly about getting hit in the face, but I quickly realized that a) that probably wouldn't happen because hitting someone in the face is illegal and b) the ball is REALLY REALLY soft so it wouldn't hurt if I got hit anyway. It was so fun. But crazy, because you are playing with 4 balls. 6 people per side, 4 balls, completely crazy. But so fun. Any kind of physical activity and calories burnt in the process was completely erased by the beer and nachos we ate after. But it is a SPORT and SOCIAL club... so you need the social aspect in order for it to all be worth it.

Last night I had a dream that Simon from American Idol was hiding in a shed in my back yard. I watch the show last night for the first time in like 3 years and I dream about it right away. I think the reason is that two of the people that they were making fun of (you know the mother/daughter with the glasses & red lipstick?) remind me of the mother & sister of a girl I know from elementary school who is really sick right now. It kind of made me mad that they were mocking them. I know that is the whole reason that people watch the show during the beginning episodes, is just for the crazy people that are out there... but it makes me sad that everyone laughs at these completely clueless people who are so earnest and thankful for the opportunity. Although, my GOD... that girl REALLY should have been wearing a bra! And was the Pussycat Dolls' song REALLY a good choice? Seriously?!? But some people come on that show purposely acting weird, but these two seemed actually authentic and clueless to their strangeness.

Tomorrow I go to see a psychic. I am not a believer in such things but rather am very interested in what she will tell me based on my outward appearances, body language, and overall demeanor. I will let you know how it goes!

Also, good news in that I can delay my acceptance to school #1 until after my interview with school #2. YIPPEE! One less thing to worry about.

Trees that sparkle

Today was a good day. It was cold but sunny, so the snow in the trees melted just enough to form beautiful shiny icicles on all the branches. It was so pretty.

I was on my way home thinking about challenges and how they really push us to be our best, despite the fact that they are hard as hell when you are working through them. And I decided that if I got accepted into the really hard school that I applied to, then I should go, even if the program at the other (still really good) school that I already got into is more of a perfect fit for me. Just because it would be a challenge and scary thing to go to the hard school, and it would really expose me to things I would never encounter at the other school. It would also cause me to uproot myself again, and for once I am feeling like staying here for a while. So I got home and promptly found in my inbox that I have been offered an interview at the hard school. Wow. So now I just need to figure out how to proceed next, try to ask for a decision extension from already accepted school and try to figure out how to ace the interview. Shite. Happy but crazy anxiety about the whole thing.

I had such a fun night going skating and watching the hockey game and drinking beer and having wings that I almost completely forgot about school stresses. Skating! It was so cold! I am still cold! FUN!

Bless the beasts and children

Today was a very Africa day for me. Just in that I was thinking about it all day. First major snow fall of the year and it isn't phasing me a bit. In fact, it leads me to believe that Kenya was all a figment of my imagination. Looking at my Kat in Kenya archives from last year, I am flabbergasted. I feel like I was so much cooler then. Braver. Part of that person is fading from me already. Or maybe I just haven't had the opportunity to show that side of me lately.

And I have been reading UN special envoy for HIV/AIDS in Africa Stephen Lewis' book "Race Against Time: Searching for Hope in AIDS-Ravaged Africa". Flying through it now. I love it so much. I like the combination of facts and personal accounts. I like the way he plows through the black and white bits and then becomes a sentimentalist softy who just loves Africa and its people so much. It is enough to have me misting up as I sit in the Laundromat waiting for my socks to dry. Strange thing, these socks. 2 pairs, same brand, same fabric, same wear, but one pair is brown, the other black. The black one comes out perfectly dry, the brown is still wet... quite damp. What gives?

For all the people who set out to make a difference in the world, how many of them succeed? How many of them never give up, despite their lack of success? How many give up right away?

Golden Globes... watched for about an hour before I had to get away. This show always makes me laugh because they have all been drinking all night already and so everyone talks through all the speeches and if the person talking isn't funny, then they don't get polite laughs. The best part of the show was when Ben Stiller was up introducing Borat as best picture nomination and pretended he was introducing "Night at the Museum" but no one laughed and they showed Sasha Baron Cohen and he didn't look amused at all. Damn, that made me laugh.

It is so bright outside with the snow. It is like someone left the lights on.

Payday

Something about money that stresses people out. Myself included. Positive note: Yeah! I got offered a bursary for my upcoming studies next year! Negative note: Booo! I'm still going to have to get a MAJOR loan from a bank and be in debt for a long, long time. What if I don't get a good job right away? Should I still go travelling this summer with the money I had put aside or should I use that towards the impending monetary doom that awaits me? Or should I just travel anyway, as you only live once and opportunity is more important than money?

Crybaby voice in my head: "Why can't I just be RICH!?!?"

Ok, it is out of my system now. Incessant whining officially stops here.

Kilkenny beer is really the perfect beer. I had two pints last night as I watched the Leafs miraculously beat the mighty Buffalo Sabres. It is the perfect consistency. Weighty but not too heavy but with enough body and flavour. Plus the bar we went to was fantastic. They played the strangest variety of music, but it was all unbelievably good.

Let all the children boogie

I went to see Babel tonight. It was good but I didn't love it. The acting was great but it left me with a weird taste in my mouth. It was very bleak. But I didn't feel sad, just helpless, watching said bleak events occur. But I guess it did effect my mood. Suddenly, it seems like everything and everyone around me is bleak. Everything has a sadness attached to it.

Despite this, I like it when movies temporarily change the way I feel and view the world. It can be like a drug you take... eventually it wears off and you are back to normal, but for a while you see everything around you and the potential violence that could occur, the beauty that exists, or the loneliness. It also makes music more poignant. Maybe it is just me.

It has been tough for me to write anything lately. When i get stressed I shut everyone out more than usual. I need to figure out how to stop doing that. It is frustrating because I am a person who likes to be in control of things, and it makes me so mad when I cannot control myself and how I act.

Today I did laundry and there was a girl there who had really bad body odour and a guy caught me lip-syncing along to my iPod. At the grocery store, I went to buy red grapes and when the cashier rang them in they came to $11 so I didn't buy them. I also found a pair of cute grey running shoes at Zara on sale for $22.99. 10 years ago I was in my last year of high school. I found out that a girl from my high school class died of cancer in December. Another girl I have known since grade 6 is dying of lymphatic cancer. What does anyone do differently than anyone else to have that happen to them?

Little things

Last night I had a dream that I was on a picnic with Peter Saarsgaard, but he was all huge and a body builder and told me that he wakes up at 4:30am to work out and that he was disappointed that the beetroot salad he made didn't turn out as creamy as he wanted. Hmmm. Ok.

I was totally on the ball this morning. Totally psyched that I would be on time for work. Early even. Until my contact dramatically flung itself from my eye and I didn't find it until it was under my foot. It was a disposable one - but still! So I was a little late and missed the streetcar by thismuch only to wait 10 minutes for the next one and discover that I forgot my transit pass at home. GARRR! Now already running late I will have to pay the $2.75 each way. The pissy thing about this is that I have 'back up' tickets usually but my wallet broke so they are at home on my desk and that yesterday I found a token in my change purse but gave it to a friend because "I will never need this!".

Somehow only 10 minutes late to work but I was still put in a bad mood by that little string of events. At least the computers were back up. So in between actual work, and reading Youth by J.M. Coetzee, I looked at apartments that I want to move into in the spring. And drew floor plans of how I would put my furniture. Ok, it was a slow day! :)

On my way home I went to the gym, only to discover that I forgot my gym card at home. NOT FUNNY! That's it. I'm buying a new wallet tomorrow.

Special shout-out to the IT department!

What is the best thing that can happen when you go back to work after a week of holidays and you really don't feel like being there? How about the computer server and entire email system is down! So everyone gets to go home after lunch and enjoy the beautiful weather?!!!?! Awesome. If someone REALLY wants to make me happy, maybe it will still be down tomorrow! :)

I had a great afternoon, walking, having tea, hanging with a friend, going to a gallery, making soup, then having port & delicious aged cheese to end the evening. Why can't all days be like that?

I saw Volver last night and then proceeded to have dreams that I was friends with Penelope Cruz all night. And sometimes I turned into her. Strange. But great film.

Resolution

This whole 'holiday season' I have not really felt like any of it was authentic. I kind of felt like I was just going through the motions and having fun, but not really feeling "christmassy" or whatever. I usually feel this strange surges of nostalgia during this time of year. Not so, this year. And I felt a little cheated. Maybe I'm just getting older. Anyway, when it comes to New Years, my lack of caring about the holiday was actually beneficial, particularly because I usually hate New Years. This year I really didn't see it as a big deal. And so I had fun. It was very low-key with fondue & games, then a concert, then late-night Chinese food. The only really spectacular event of the evening was the streetcar ride home when a very obviously soiled crazy lady started harassing Mariza with a water bottle. Not the nicest way to end a night out. Poor Mariza.

I was trying to think of resolutions but was only able to come up with really dry things, like take french classes & go to two new countries. But then today I was sitting in the laundromat, waiting for my clothes to dry when I saw my horoscope. It read:

PISCES. You're not wearing a chastity belt right now, right? You don't have on shoes that are so tight that they constrict your sense of adventure? And please tell me you're not lugging around toxic beliefs about the impossibility of experiencing authentic joy in this "sick, twisted, miserable world we live in." But if by chance you HAVE victimized yourself with any of the debilitation's I just named - or any other form of self-torture for the matter - please take this opportunity to unburden yourself. The time has come for you to explore the mysteries of pleasure, happiness and outright euphoria. I hope that in 2007 you will fully exploit the new title I now anoint you with: Bliss Warrior.

Ok, that is just a strange horoscope in the first place, but it got me to thinking. It made me recall a conversation I had with K a few weeks ago, who admitted to regretting not coming to Ethiopia with me last year. Which made me reflect on my own regrets. I hate regrets. Worse than past regrets is seeing myself become more close minded about what I can and should do. And I see that happening to me lately. I have been caring far too much about what the people around me think. And it has been inhibiting my choices. No one is trying to stifle me, I am only stifling myself.

I think there are two things that I need to do this year. The first is to continue to take stock of how lucky I am every day. It helps me keep things in perspective and allows me to be less likely to take things for granted. I am lucky to have my life and I shouldn't forget it. The second thing is to be more active in pursuing happiness. This includes taking full advantage of my surroundings and all the free and low-cost activities and events I can take part in. I should be more friendly to acquaintances and strangers. It reminds me that the world is friendly when I can share a smile with random people.

I was telling someone about my cousin and saying how she is great and reminds me a bit of me in that she is crazy and fun and the person remarked that he hadn't seen my 'crazy' side yet. And it is because I haven't had one recently. I couldn't think of one thing that I have done lately that is 'crazy fun'. I don't know how I ever came to think of myself that way. And now I am afraid that I am not even really like that. But I want to be. So I have to figure that one out. And by crazy I don't mean the crazy drunk, or the mentally unstable one. :)

So my deep thoughts came a little later than they usually do, but it is good to take stock once in a while and try and figure out where you are and where you want to go next. Despite my usual disdain for New Years, I admit it is good for that purpose.

I hope you all have a happy New Year.