Bless the beasts and children

Today was a very Africa day for me. Just in that I was thinking about it all day. First major snow fall of the year and it isn't phasing me a bit. In fact, it leads me to believe that Kenya was all a figment of my imagination. Looking at my Kat in Kenya archives from last year, I am flabbergasted. I feel like I was so much cooler then. Braver. Part of that person is fading from me already. Or maybe I just haven't had the opportunity to show that side of me lately.

And I have been reading UN special envoy for HIV/AIDS in Africa Stephen Lewis' book "Race Against Time: Searching for Hope in AIDS-Ravaged Africa". Flying through it now. I love it so much. I like the combination of facts and personal accounts. I like the way he plows through the black and white bits and then becomes a sentimentalist softy who just loves Africa and its people so much. It is enough to have me misting up as I sit in the Laundromat waiting for my socks to dry. Strange thing, these socks. 2 pairs, same brand, same fabric, same wear, but one pair is brown, the other black. The black one comes out perfectly dry, the brown is still wet... quite damp. What gives?

For all the people who set out to make a difference in the world, how many of them succeed? How many of them never give up, despite their lack of success? How many give up right away?

Golden Globes... watched for about an hour before I had to get away. This show always makes me laugh because they have all been drinking all night already and so everyone talks through all the speeches and if the person talking isn't funny, then they don't get polite laughs. The best part of the show was when Ben Stiller was up introducing Borat as best picture nomination and pretended he was introducing "Night at the Museum" but no one laughed and they showed Sasha Baron Cohen and he didn't look amused at all. Damn, that made me laugh.

It is so bright outside with the snow. It is like someone left the lights on.

Payday

Something about money that stresses people out. Myself included. Positive note: Yeah! I got offered a bursary for my upcoming studies next year! Negative note: Booo! I'm still going to have to get a MAJOR loan from a bank and be in debt for a long, long time. What if I don't get a good job right away? Should I still go travelling this summer with the money I had put aside or should I use that towards the impending monetary doom that awaits me? Or should I just travel anyway, as you only live once and opportunity is more important than money?

Crybaby voice in my head: "Why can't I just be RICH!?!?"

Ok, it is out of my system now. Incessant whining officially stops here.

Kilkenny beer is really the perfect beer. I had two pints last night as I watched the Leafs miraculously beat the mighty Buffalo Sabres. It is the perfect consistency. Weighty but not too heavy but with enough body and flavour. Plus the bar we went to was fantastic. They played the strangest variety of music, but it was all unbelievably good.

Let all the children boogie

I went to see Babel tonight. It was good but I didn't love it. The acting was great but it left me with a weird taste in my mouth. It was very bleak. But I didn't feel sad, just helpless, watching said bleak events occur. But I guess it did effect my mood. Suddenly, it seems like everything and everyone around me is bleak. Everything has a sadness attached to it.

Despite this, I like it when movies temporarily change the way I feel and view the world. It can be like a drug you take... eventually it wears off and you are back to normal, but for a while you see everything around you and the potential violence that could occur, the beauty that exists, or the loneliness. It also makes music more poignant. Maybe it is just me.

It has been tough for me to write anything lately. When i get stressed I shut everyone out more than usual. I need to figure out how to stop doing that. It is frustrating because I am a person who likes to be in control of things, and it makes me so mad when I cannot control myself and how I act.

Today I did laundry and there was a girl there who had really bad body odour and a guy caught me lip-syncing along to my iPod. At the grocery store, I went to buy red grapes and when the cashier rang them in they came to $11 so I didn't buy them. I also found a pair of cute grey running shoes at Zara on sale for $22.99. 10 years ago I was in my last year of high school. I found out that a girl from my high school class died of cancer in December. Another girl I have known since grade 6 is dying of lymphatic cancer. What does anyone do differently than anyone else to have that happen to them?

Little things

Last night I had a dream that I was on a picnic with Peter Saarsgaard, but he was all huge and a body builder and told me that he wakes up at 4:30am to work out and that he was disappointed that the beetroot salad he made didn't turn out as creamy as he wanted. Hmmm. Ok.

I was totally on the ball this morning. Totally psyched that I would be on time for work. Early even. Until my contact dramatically flung itself from my eye and I didn't find it until it was under my foot. It was a disposable one - but still! So I was a little late and missed the streetcar by thismuch only to wait 10 minutes for the next one and discover that I forgot my transit pass at home. GARRR! Now already running late I will have to pay the $2.75 each way. The pissy thing about this is that I have 'back up' tickets usually but my wallet broke so they are at home on my desk and that yesterday I found a token in my change purse but gave it to a friend because "I will never need this!".

Somehow only 10 minutes late to work but I was still put in a bad mood by that little string of events. At least the computers were back up. So in between actual work, and reading Youth by J.M. Coetzee, I looked at apartments that I want to move into in the spring. And drew floor plans of how I would put my furniture. Ok, it was a slow day! :)

On my way home I went to the gym, only to discover that I forgot my gym card at home. NOT FUNNY! That's it. I'm buying a new wallet tomorrow.

Special shout-out to the IT department!

What is the best thing that can happen when you go back to work after a week of holidays and you really don't feel like being there? How about the computer server and entire email system is down! So everyone gets to go home after lunch and enjoy the beautiful weather?!!!?! Awesome. If someone REALLY wants to make me happy, maybe it will still be down tomorrow! :)

I had a great afternoon, walking, having tea, hanging with a friend, going to a gallery, making soup, then having port & delicious aged cheese to end the evening. Why can't all days be like that?

I saw Volver last night and then proceeded to have dreams that I was friends with Penelope Cruz all night. And sometimes I turned into her. Strange. But great film.

Resolution

This whole 'holiday season' I have not really felt like any of it was authentic. I kind of felt like I was just going through the motions and having fun, but not really feeling "christmassy" or whatever. I usually feel this strange surges of nostalgia during this time of year. Not so, this year. And I felt a little cheated. Maybe I'm just getting older. Anyway, when it comes to New Years, my lack of caring about the holiday was actually beneficial, particularly because I usually hate New Years. This year I really didn't see it as a big deal. And so I had fun. It was very low-key with fondue & games, then a concert, then late-night Chinese food. The only really spectacular event of the evening was the streetcar ride home when a very obviously soiled crazy lady started harassing Mariza with a water bottle. Not the nicest way to end a night out. Poor Mariza.

I was trying to think of resolutions but was only able to come up with really dry things, like take french classes & go to two new countries. But then today I was sitting in the laundromat, waiting for my clothes to dry when I saw my horoscope. It read:

PISCES. You're not wearing a chastity belt right now, right? You don't have on shoes that are so tight that they constrict your sense of adventure? And please tell me you're not lugging around toxic beliefs about the impossibility of experiencing authentic joy in this "sick, twisted, miserable world we live in." But if by chance you HAVE victimized yourself with any of the debilitation's I just named - or any other form of self-torture for the matter - please take this opportunity to unburden yourself. The time has come for you to explore the mysteries of pleasure, happiness and outright euphoria. I hope that in 2007 you will fully exploit the new title I now anoint you with: Bliss Warrior.

Ok, that is just a strange horoscope in the first place, but it got me to thinking. It made me recall a conversation I had with K a few weeks ago, who admitted to regretting not coming to Ethiopia with me last year. Which made me reflect on my own regrets. I hate regrets. Worse than past regrets is seeing myself become more close minded about what I can and should do. And I see that happening to me lately. I have been caring far too much about what the people around me think. And it has been inhibiting my choices. No one is trying to stifle me, I am only stifling myself.

I think there are two things that I need to do this year. The first is to continue to take stock of how lucky I am every day. It helps me keep things in perspective and allows me to be less likely to take things for granted. I am lucky to have my life and I shouldn't forget it. The second thing is to be more active in pursuing happiness. This includes taking full advantage of my surroundings and all the free and low-cost activities and events I can take part in. I should be more friendly to acquaintances and strangers. It reminds me that the world is friendly when I can share a smile with random people.

I was telling someone about my cousin and saying how she is great and reminds me a bit of me in that she is crazy and fun and the person remarked that he hadn't seen my 'crazy' side yet. And it is because I haven't had one recently. I couldn't think of one thing that I have done lately that is 'crazy fun'. I don't know how I ever came to think of myself that way. And now I am afraid that I am not even really like that. But I want to be. So I have to figure that one out. And by crazy I don't mean the crazy drunk, or the mentally unstable one. :)

So my deep thoughts came a little later than they usually do, but it is good to take stock once in a while and try and figure out where you are and where you want to go next. Despite my usual disdain for New Years, I admit it is good for that purpose.

I hope you all have a happy New Year.

Christmas Cheer

My boss let me leave work a half of an hour early. I left work, knowing that I would be out of the office for the next 11 days (!) and felt so free. Sitting on the subway & streetcar, listening to Christmas music, I was actually getting choked up. Especially when I think about all the people who feel worse this time of year, instead of better. I'm so lucky that I get excited for Christmas. I associate it with good things. And people who I still have around me. So I am trying to remember how lucky I am. Because I know how quickly everything can change. Anyway, so I'm happy.

I went to the Eaton Centre to take photos and wander around tonight. It is a lot more fun to go to a crazy busy mall when you don't actually have any shopping to do and you can just pay attention to what is going on around you.

The best part of the night was when I took the streetcar to the mall. I had the singing streetcar driver! I love him! He sings the stops. "Grrrrr-aaaace StreeeeeT!" He has this lovely baritone voice. I wish he was my streetcar driver everyday. There used to be a subway driver who would be all funny and weird when he was driving later at night. He used to say things like "And for those folks who were wondering, the answer to tonight's trivia question was Banana. Thanks to everyone for trying!" Or he would say "St Clair Station.... Just kidding, folks, we're really at Dundas West Station!" People would laugh. Smile at each other. Stuff that doesn't normally happen in a subway, you know?

Posterity

Ok, I read my post from yesterday and I feel stupid about it now.

I have been trying to be in a good Christmas mood and I see other people struggling with it too. People smiling more and pushing less. People making small talk with strangers about the unusually warm weather or the craziness of December.

Yesterday was my office holiday luncheon. So, I won this prize… it is “The O.C. – Season Three”. The thing is, I may have only seen the show once and don’t really like it. And I don’t know anyone else who would like it. So do you think if I went into HMV without a receipt (but it is still in the wrapping), that I could exchange it for something else? It just seems like such a waste.

Last night I had the pleasure of eating a lot of meat at a Korean barbeque place with M & J. They like to mock me. Last night I gave them plenty to mock with my confusion between the words “prosperity” and “posterity”. It turns out that when you say “Those photos were taken for prosperity” that it is wrong. But that’s what friends are for, right? To mock you when you make a mistake so that you will never do it again. And then they mock you some more, just for good measure

Sweating Stuff

Today I was reading Wikipedia to see who died recently (I was bored, ok?) and I found this somewhat ironic entry:

December 13, 2006. Richard Carlson, 45, American author (Don't Sweat the Small Stuff), heart attack.

I have been trying not to sweat the small stuff lately. But right now I am sweating the big stuff. I have some major decisions to make and it is stressing me out so much. Maybe I am just overtired and freaking out a lot about this today, but I am completely doubting myself right now. I am feeling that overwhelmed feeling where I am questioning my ability to do pretty much anything right.

The thing that always throws me off is that when I am making decisions, I can only seem to concentrate on what I might miss by making that decision, the "opportunity cost". And I have this stupid obsession that I have to take the more difficult and challenging route every time, even if it is not necessarily what is actually best for me. I care too much what other people think. Even when it has nothing to do with them. It is so stupid. I'm just freaking out.

Like, let's just say i got accepted into this school I applied to. But upon receiving the acceptance, I kind of feel like it was too easy to get in. And now i can only think about how I want to get into the harder school that I applied to, the one I am less likely to get in to. Despite the fact that the first one is really good and I wanted to go there and it might even be the better fit for me. The worst thing is, that I can clearly see this stupid psychology going on in my head. And yet there is nothing I can do, I still feel that way.

I drive myself insane sometimes.

Swiss Cheese with Pink Peppercorns

Montreal is such a great city. I have been there about 5 times now. And people have always told me how great it is, and yet I never saw it. But this time, somehow I was able to see it. Michele & I wandered around the city pretty much non stop for two days, just walking and shopping and sampling the food and beverages the city has to offer. I wish I spoke French because it seems like it would be a great place to live. I love the houses. I love the restaurants. And the boys are very cute. I think it also really helped that we went when we did. Right before Christmas, with all the decorations up, and people in great moods. And the weather was quite mild (above zero) and even sunny for most of the time we were there. I have the same fuzzy warm feelings towards Montreal now than I do towards New York when I had a similarly good experience right before Christmas two years ago. It has made me feel more Christmas-sy. Toronto is Christmas-sy too, but when I am here, I am busy doing work or house stuff or other stressful things and I don't take the time to appreciate the Christmas goodness here.

I also got a chance to visit with Lauren who I haven't seen since we left Kenya. First over fondue (cheese & meat & chocolate!) then she threw a huge party on Saturday night that honestly puts to shame any of the big parties we attended in Kenya as far as food / beverages / service / atmosphere goes. She has come a long way from our humble brunch parties!

Anyway, I am a bit all over the place. Only 4 more days until I head back to the Soo for Christmas. So much to do between then and now. I am a bit dazed thinking about it all. I can't wait to go home.